Lost My Head

Looking through my laptop I came across drafts of blog posts that I never had the courage to post, letters to myself, diary entries. Depictions of my mental state at a time where I had lost a lot of my old self. My life had altered in a terrifying way and I wasn't prepared for the loss I felt within myself. I found a sort of confession to myself within the rubble of who I was a couple of laborious months back; the toxic relationship and battle I had with the person I had become and the happiness and freedom I was trying to discover. I was so alone, even with so many incredible people around me. I felt pressured by myself, I was afraid of change, terrified of anything other than what I had known for so long. I'd made mistakes, been through physical and mental changes and I felt lost. The account I came across in my drafts, titled: Lost My Head, took a form inspired by The 1975, a lyrical embodiment of myself, I believe, at this time. Aching and alone, I'd lost my head.

Here it is.

//

Turning nineteen recently has put life into perspective for me, a teenager struggling with finding herself, allowing herself to live and not be drawn back by the depths of anxiety and uncontrollable dismay. The confusion of growing up, leaving school, losing friends, losing relationships and embarking on new adventures entirely out of ones comfort zone is something I have buried myself away from, scared of the outcome, terrified of the consequences. Yet here I am, experiencing this, making these mistakes and dealing with the inevitable consequences.

I've Lost My Head. 

Where am I going? What am I even doing with my past, present and future self? Who am I becoming?

Bad decisions and regrets come from a distinct lack of understanding of oneself, losing oneself becomes tedious, an ongoing spiral of hurt, anxiety and loss. Am I a bad person? Am I just learning, growing up, becoming who I want to be, who I need to be?

I've been taunting myself, analysing each and every decision I make, scared I'm going to lose myself again, become that person I knew wasn't good. A person I couldn't trust, an individual who no longer correlated with who I knew I once was. Who I felt comfortable being, believed I was happy to be. 

Experience taints you, allows you to grow and apply your educated self to future experience. People hurt you, make you lose faith, lose trust and learn to defend yourself or hide from your reality. 

I've no doubt lost where my thoughts were heading to, my mind is exploding onto the screen in a ramble, a confusion and a loss of myself. A perfect depiction of me and my brain. I'm lost and alone, confused without my conscious thoughts understanding the direction I unwillingly go in. 

I have no idea who I am anymore, making mistakes, actions I would've once frowned upon, selfish and unruly thoughts, so alone and untrue to myself, lost and alone in a world of continuation and non-stop change. 

I've lost. I've Lost My Head. 

//

I was alone. Confused. Lost and unsure of who I wanted to be or where to start even. I started to create a visual depiction of who I wanted to be and set out to change myself. I grew stronger, I began to love myself and believe in my capabilities. Sometimes you have to experience the dark to realise the importance of the light. I am ME and I am happy.